You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
