I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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