you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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