This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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