the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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