he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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