my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
