There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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