is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize