shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
