me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
