I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
