rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
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