Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
