am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
