Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
