Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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