Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
