That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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