hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
