update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
