Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I didn't notice because vodka
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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