it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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