Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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