I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
