I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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