Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize