piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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