I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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