At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
