I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
