John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize