i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
