Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
