I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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