I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
