why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
