is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
