btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
