I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
