I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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