my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
