I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
