I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
