There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My bed smells like the plague
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
