all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
