How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
