If i could tip my vagina, i would.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
