dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
