rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She's just so happy...and so naked.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
