I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
