I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
