a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize