She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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