this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
