if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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