Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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