The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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